15: Second Thoughts
“Parenting courses, like parenting books, are a modern, twentieth-century phenomenon - a sign, perhaps, that the ‘correct’ way of raising children concerns us more than ever. And in particular that we believe that the correct way exists in the first place.”
- taken from Second Thoughts: On having and being a Second Child by Lynn Berger.
Scroll down for @thecultured.life audio reading of this post, also available to download, if you prefer 🎧 And thanks to September Publishing for my review copy of this book.
Question- where do you sit in YOUR family dynamics?
Are you an only child? The eldest? The middle child or the youngest?
Have you ever thought about how your “birth position” might have contributed to who you are today?
Translated by Anna Asbury from Dutch, Second Thoughts is an exploratory and reflective book that delves headfirst into these often very personal questions.
Now, I’m the eldest of 5 siblings and the first daughter, and I would say my experiences of being ‘first’ in a first-generation African immigrant household were tinged with cultural expectations and with it the unspoken pressures of being a role model.
I’m sure I’m not the only one with these types of stories. Family dynamics are portrayed all over the media, notably within the Royal Family here in the UK but other examples can be found in the 90s sit-coms I grew up with, the Fresh Prince, Sister Sister or even The Simpsons. In Second Thoughts, Berger shares hers.
The book attempts to explore some of these dynamics by delving into the lesser-known field of “sibling science.” It’s surprising that the experience of being second-born isn’t really spoken about in most of today’s most popular books on parenthood.
But in my reading of the book, I’ve learnt that there’s just so much to consider. From youthful pangs of jealousy and comparison to measuring our children against each other to the myth of the “birth order” effect and climate change. There’s so much to unpack.
The story of this book & I begins, as I realise that my 18-month old- the baby that started our family unit is soon going to be a big brother, considering the natural implications that may bring. This book gave me lots to think about as I look forward to my own second blessing, extending our little family by one more this summer 2021.
Am I having “this second child for the first”? What does it mean to be born into a family that already exists? What am I expecting when expecting the second time around?
You can exhaust the ‘how to be a better parent’ book aisle as much as you like but I’m glad the author and I agree on this- “experience sometimes becomes its own answer”. I’ve found this to be true on so many levels.
However, the book also frames lots of research and delves into scientific literature that mostly had a western leaning rather than a worldly one. What fascinates me is how the patterns of family dynamics show themselves around the world and how we can learn from these. It would have been great to read more about how upbringing and raising children doesn’t necessarily always happen in nuclear families, but in extended families, ‘it takes a village’ after all. But perhaps that’s a different book entirely.
Nonetheless, Second Thoughts was a short, quick and often heart-warming read. Thought-provoking statistics (how many children = happiness) and scientific thinking from child experts are punctuated by the author’s beautiful, precious and intimate thoughts around the birthing experience and what I like to call the ‘aftermath’ and others the ‘fourth trimester, as well as the early years of family life, including some important reflections on working family life too.
For me, it’s always wonderful and touching reading about multifarious pieces of personal family life.
Second Thoughts: On Having and Being a Second Child is out on the 22nd of April.
Purchase Second Thoughts by Lynn Berger here
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